Doorman Link 02 '45

"Student, 17, suspected to have used a gas explosion, blew up half the canteen, killing 13 people, while duelling with chemistry tutor. The educator was claimed to have labelled student as gormless moomoo*."

"The student in question had failed a record number of 23 chemistry tests and examinations in a period of 2 months, and is believed to be suffering from schizophrenia, paranoid personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and erotomania at the time. (He is also a 3H2 1H1 student.) The tutor berated him in front of an audience of 500 and publicly told him he was a "gormless moomoo" and should drop out of school altogether. The student did not seem to be particularly affected, but suddenly whipped out a wand and pointed it at the startled tutor.

"The tutor regained his composure quickly and disarmed the student before conjuring a shield charm which was so powerful that knocked the student off his feet. The fight escalated into a brawl when the student whipped out another dozen wands and fired all of them at the tutor, breaking the shield charm and leaving a lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead.

"A friend of the student, Grace (not her real name), said, "It was really scary. He looked demented and was going to strike out at all of us. A schoolmate, Wynne (not her real name), said, "I always thought he had a screw loose. Another bystander at the event snidely commented about the lack of a screwdriver, but was ignored.

"The fight was broken up by a member of the public (MP) who happened to be a parent of a Primary Six student applying for Direct School Admission (DSA) and the school's entire PE Department. The parent commented afterwards that "he will be thinking twice whether he wishes to enroll his child in this seemingly prestigious school". However, other parents present applauded the students' courage in standing up to his pernicious tutor.

" 'This clearly shows the school's success in inculcating the school values of moral courage and loyalty; the boy explicitly displayed 上勇 in enduring the tutor's hurtful remarks and standing up to him when many would just quaver in their socks in such a situation, as well as loyalty to his own principles. I would have done the same. He deserves a standing ovation', a bystander parent noted.

"The PE Head of Department was amazed at the raw strength the student had such that the whole PE Department was needed to restrain him, given that he could not do more than three pull-ups for his physical fitness test.

"Investigations are pending."

*Gormless moomoo?

From the Urban Dictionary

1)A pre-pubescent adolescent boy with a nasal voice and an attitude to match

2) A person who is wasted, acting like a fool

In today's Straight Times, there exist crooked crooks...

"Mr. V.C., jailed for 177 years for operating a multi-national multilateral multi-billion pyramid scheme and mis-selling high-risk structured products like the Lemon Mini-Bombs."

"All I wanted was to get rich and give my papa and mama a good life," says a sobbing Mr. V.C., who owned up to all charges levied against him. More news continued on Prime page 4.

Doorman Link 01 '45

"Doorman Heights School (DHS) eliminating all 3H2 1H1 subject combinations by end of 2050"

"Veteran principal Mr S., 79, said that 3H2 1H1 students, on the whole were pulling the school's standard and its position on the non-existent 'top 5 JCs ranking' down. 'This batch of students also do not adhere to the Doormanian Code of Conduct strictly, leading to a degradation of the general public's impression of the school. 本座只是在清理门户。'

"However, ex-discipline master, senior counsel for Partly-Retired-And-Cast-Aside Teachers' Welfare, Mr. K., commented that he was deeply disappointed in Mr S.'s teaching methods and accused him of inventing a pack of lies (一派胡言) just to better the school's great academic reputation. He also expressed sorrow that the school is no longer at lofty Heights and felt too ashamed to meet the forefathers of DHS after moving on to the underworld.

"It turned out that Mr. S. was not the popular headmaster he was made out to be. Throughout the murky years in DHS, there were many outspoken dissidents who were either expelled due to undisclosed reasons, or worse, disappeared off the face of the earth forever. (Rumour has it that the round field in the campus was a burial place --> see report below.) Ex-student G.K., currently working in the P.R.I.M.E. Mini-star's Office, who was fortunate enough to graduate in 2007 after his 'O' Lvels, said, 'I always thought he was a 小白脸.'

"V.C., friend of G.K. and ex-student, currently a janitor in the P.R.I.M.E. Mini-star's office, expressed disappointment. 'I thought he was a great educator. He was a good role model for us. Also, his door was always wide open so that we could approach him when we were in dire straits... Sadly, things turned out to be this way. His supporters must have felt the same disappointment as mine.' "

"Round field in campus a burial ground?"

"As one walks into the campus, the first thing that enters one's line of sight is a round field, affectionately termed <正新猿>. Zheng comes from the Chinese idiom, 上梁不正下梁歪, Xin simply means 'new', and Yuan is a sound-alike for 'garden' in Chinese, and also means 'monkey' - referring to our primate ancestors. Rumours are afloat that the field was actually a burial ground. But the real secret was that there was a way of opening up the burial ground.

" 'I think you are supposed to walk three rounds around chanting November Papa Charlie Charlie. At the end of your three rounds apparently someone will reply. Do not turn back,' a senior student revealed.

" 'Us campers have been warned not to approach the circle field at 3.30 a.m. It could be a bluff, but anyone caught will be punished severely, so no one actually tried to,' a student told this reporter during his annual camp.

"Could this be real? Could such a long-standing spot in the campus have a dark history? Insider sources confirmed rumours that outspoken dissidents against the reign of the dictator-like headmaster were done away discreetly and dumped in the circle field during full moon nights, on specially selected days that were supposedly auspicious burial days. Feng shui masters reportedly advised Mr. S. to have a Confucius statue erected there to circumscribe the yin qi in the field itself, so that the rest of the school remains safe from the troubled souls that lie there.

"School officials repudiated all accusations and condemned them as 'poor methods to sabotage the institution.' "

天有不测之风云

明天开学，我却在文具包里发现了不祥的预兆。。。请看以下一截截斩断的思绪、破碎的梦想断掉的铅笔芯。大难临头了？！

"Doorman Heights School Eliminating All 3H2 1H1 Subject Combinations By 2050"

And...A levels are 15 weeks away.

What the shit.