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Home-d after booking out at 4pm yesterday. Was not as tired as I expected myself to be after field camp; had expected to spend more time with my own bed but couldn't sleep in this morning. Just couldn't get back to dreamland after 6.30am and went to get some McDonald's. So uhh, yeah! McDonald's. The Monopoly thing is on again and I am kidding myself that I have a chance of winning that SGD80,000!
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I was just thinking about my army life so far and I realised that ever since I became a conscript I've only heard things like:
"Eh dun blur!"
"C***B** (all in block letters)! WTF are you doing?!"
"Eh you know what you are doing anot?!"
"Eh you know what to do anot??"
"F*** you la flexible! Follow the f***ing drill can anot?!"
"Vincent can you see the enemy?! Shoot la c***b**!!"
"Eh f*** la! Throw properly can?!"
"Use your brain can anot?!"
"Where is your common sense?!"
"Aim and shoot la c***b**!"
It's kind of screwed up when you are putting in the effort and you are still getting screwed from all directions. It happened so frequently that I don't even bother nowadays. I was rather enthusiastic in BMT, still alright in Foundation Term, until Professional term. All the screaming and shouting, and the dirty looks people shoot you assuming that you are not putting in effort. It hurts the most when people think you are not putting in effort; I just want to tell them I'm not cut out for this! I'm just too stupid for this and I have no cognitive ability in leading a group of six people to go rush the mountain. I don't know how long I can stand all this nonsense. All those instructors who don't admit their wrongdoing just make it all worse.
Damn I shouldn't have typed that it made my mood down for a while.
Anyway I'm trying to get myself to paint again, because at one point of time that was something I had confidence in. But I just get hooked on the computer playing CounterStrike, Medal of Honor, backyard monsters on facebook or just doing random facebook quizzes. Otherwise I would be out catching a movie and some lunch with friends.
Yeah and I wish I have more friends in pro term. I don't get along very well with my bunk guys because they saw how badly I fared in the simulated battlefield and think that I'm just a loser. The guys whom I know better have their own cliques now and I don't want to force myself into a crowd and try to mesh. Just thinking of this makes me not want to go Taiwan. :/ All the tiring missions! Imagine going R&R alone! Wtf!
ARGH I keep having these bubble of negative thoughts that wouldn't stop worming themselves into my cranium.
Recently I borrowed this book on card-making and I wanted to start doing some of the crafts, although doing this kind of thing doesn't seem very manly. But I felt cheered up all the same. Doing something related to art. :) Which reminds me of skyetch :) (skyetch.blogspot.com)
This is probably the least organised of my posts.
damn damn damn this probably doesn't sound like me eh? like my blogger account got hacked or something..
gotta go gotta go shower and pack. later still need to wash that god-damned iba.
wish i had more time. wish i was a clerk. wish i can stay out. wish i had better results. wish i were more optimistic......why am i so f-ed up wahahaha
maybe should start thinking about being a social entrepreneur. a part-time one. primary job is home decorator. yeah. that kind of thing. hobbies: painting, archery, reading, staying off the computer as much as i can.. that kind of life. yeah.
