Depending on a can of Redondo

I haven't posted here in a while.

And I have promised myself not to post about my momentary fits of displeasure of living in this sometimes-disatisfactory world. I decided to break this promise; I also voluntarily broke a promise of calling home every night the first time yesterday night. What should I tell them? That I wake up every morning not knowing who I am, that being sad and demoralised is now a regular state of my mind, that I feel frightened before every outfield training or exercise, scared of that insane 12km fast march in under 90 minutes, afraid that I have to do a technical handling test in the breaks between the oncoming 32km route march, and having the knowledge that I am going to fail my SOC test when I have to take it? I never had so many fears before. And when I did, I laughed them off, suffered tough training, and came out laughing again.

I feel alone, in this latest chapter of my life, and for the first time, I don't like this loneliness. The loneliness of the last man lagging far behind his fitter colleagues, the loneliness of not knowing where to go when there is nights out, the loneliness of a person fighting the loneliness itself.

Every now and then I think back to my childhood days, and I felt that I have gone back to being the young boy who stood wide-eyed, alone, in the middle of a vegetable farm store, with two dollars stuffed into his inside pocket but not knowing what to do, while everyone else swarmed the cashier or displays and bought a little of this and a little of that. After what seems like an eternity an over-40 years old man walked up and squeezed two dollars into his small hand and walked him near a sweet corn store, laughing heartily and pointing out to him some vegetables on display...

I guess that didn't make much sense to anyone reading it, but it feels like a large part of my memory and it makes me recall that some of this loneliness I am experiencing now has always been a part of me.

I don't really know what made me post this, but I think I wanted to leave a journal behind that someone can refer to in case something happens to me. I am a soldier right now, accidents happen all the time. The only thing that's stopping me from quitting is my family now.