Black tar

I have decided to keep a diary, then I have neglected that intention; then I retrieved it from its lonely corner, and dusted it off, looking at a sprightly cover that hid the melancholy inside. There was no real sadness, but no authentic joy either. It was a book which I relegated to my darkest thoughts in my darkest hours, which are marred with bright spots. Because there exist people who refuse to let one of their kind go to waste, or darken his hours with a charcoal pen.

But similarly there exist people who not only give you thick charcoal markers but also spray fixatives such that your whiteboard is vandalised, and permanently so. It would seem as though their lives depend on it. They may not do it intentionally, rather, most of the time they spread their pessimism around them unknowingly, marking their territory, and invading yours.

P.S. 小明还在休假。

今天，风和日丽，阳光普照。小明踏着轻快的脚步上学去。

不过以上的小明是我，今天也不是风和日丽，阳光普照；我踏着的脚步也没有半点轻快。

今天，并没有很特别的事情发生。不过俗话说：“人生无常，不可虚度” 云云。所以虽然虚度了这一天，也必须把它添油加醋一番，弄得好像趣味无穷。这不叫诈骗，只是精彩的叙述。所以呢。。

今天，我踏着轻快的脚步回家，摸了裤袋里的皮夹一下，突然心血来潮。你们一定很自然地以为我从摸皮夹的举动或皮夹本身得到了某种启发，像写作的灵感，或”人生无常”这样一个信息。错了，我只不过想到要搭几号巴士。于是，我就很奢侈地花了四毛半（好奢侈啊！）乘搭一辆十分豪华（太豪华了！）的新捷运40号巴士，目的地是阿裕尼地铁站对面的巴士站。好不容易，费了九牛二虎之力，找到一个舒适的落脚处。有点闷，便持书阅读。

下个站，竟有美女上车！我憋着气，希望她注意我。最终，这憋气的功夫是白费了。嗨，真没 Lady luck! 今天搭巴士，还以为会有艳遇，哪知没有艳遇，倒碰上了瘟神一个，我埋怨着。什么瘟神，你好奇地问。美女坐在我前面后（到底是前还是后??），本来想叹气，突然身旁出现一个怪叔叔。


〈小明太累了，明天在继续。。。〉

I was thinking,
The world does not take us into consideration.
We have to put ourselves into the world's consideration.
But before that, we have to meet the world's expectations.

Lapses in Living Memory

I felt a great and intense inclination to post, and the paragraph formed like this in my head (if I used 'brain' here people will snidely question the existence of one), "In this life of many ups and downs..."

...

First I wanted to say something that was inspirational, in the midst of the struggling that I see in this cold, dark reality.

...

Then I realised that I was ill-equipped, and poorly positioned to pen such motivational writings as I was not very personally involved in jihad - the struggle for survival in life. Also, my great and intense inclination quickly fades away, leaving an equally great and intense void in its place. You ask, how can an emptiness be great and intense?

It could be. Only recently I took a short glance back at the road I was treading sometimes cautiously and sometimes recklessly and regretted a waste of four good studying days! Yes, I did attempt to complete all hypothesis testing questions in revision package 4 and studied part of my economics notes for the next lecture, but the supposedly most bountiful moments of these four days were irresponsibly spent in naught!

On hindsight, I decided to consider these four days one of the many lapses in my life. Then, I made the most shocking discovery in 18 years. These four days were nothing, for I had spent these last four years in naught. The memories were a blur, and they were not all very pleasant ones, for I had not actively sought to make them so. Edit: Though, there were good ones, which tether me to the past, being unable to move on sometimes. Unfufilled promises and hopeful regrets. The gravity of this thought hit me hard. At this point in time, I rightly felt the greatness and intensity of the void in my life.

How about you - any gaping holes in your life journey?

At that point, have you been able to make the connection to what you are now?

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

- Steve Jobs, commencement address at Stanford

But then again, that's Steve Jobs.

Doorman Link 02 '45

"Student, 17, suspected to have used a gas explosion, blew up half the canteen, killing 13 people, while duelling with chemistry tutor. The educator was claimed to have labelled student as gormless moomoo*."

"The student in question had failed a record number of 23 chemistry tests and examinations in a period of 2 months, and is believed to be suffering from schizophrenia, paranoid personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and erotomania at the time. (He is also a 3H2 1H1 student.) The tutor berated him in front of an audience of 500 and publicly told him he was a "gormless moomoo" and should drop out of school altogether. The student did not seem to be particularly affected, but suddenly whipped out a wand and pointed it at the startled tutor.

"The tutor regained his composure quickly and disarmed the student before conjuring a shield charm which was so powerful that knocked the student off his feet. The fight escalated into a brawl when the student whipped out another dozen wands and fired all of them at the tutor, breaking the shield charm and leaving a lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead.

"A friend of the student, Grace (not her real name), said, "It was really scary. He looked demented and was going to strike out at all of us. A schoolmate, Wynne (not her real name), said, "I always thought he had a screw loose. Another bystander at the event snidely commented about the lack of a screwdriver, but was ignored.

"The fight was broken up by a member of the public (MP) who happened to be a parent of a Primary Six student applying for Direct School Admission (DSA) and the school's entire PE Department. The parent commented afterwards that "he will be thinking twice whether he wishes to enroll his child in this seemingly prestigious school". However, other parents present applauded the students' courage in standing up to his pernicious tutor.

" 'This clearly shows the school's success in inculcating the school values of moral courage and loyalty; the boy explicitly displayed 上勇 in enduring the tutor's hurtful remarks and standing up to him when many would just quaver in their socks in such a situation, as well as loyalty to his own principles. I would have done the same. He deserves a standing ovation', a bystander parent noted.

"The PE Head of Department was amazed at the raw strength the student had such that the whole PE Department was needed to restrain him, given that he could not do more than three pull-ups for his physical fitness test.

"Investigations are pending."

*Gormless moomoo?

From the Urban Dictionary

1)A pre-pubescent adolescent boy with a nasal voice and an attitude to match

2) A person who is wasted, acting like a fool

In today's Straight Times, there exist crooked crooks...

"Mr. V.C., jailed for 177 years for operating a multi-national multilateral multi-billion pyramid scheme and mis-selling high-risk structured products like the Lemon Mini-Bombs."

"All I wanted was to get rich and give my papa and mama a good life," says a sobbing Mr. V.C., who owned up to all charges levied against him. More news continued on Prime page 4.

Doorman Link 01 '45

"Doorman Heights School (DHS) eliminating all 3H2 1H1 subject combinations by end of 2050"

"Veteran principal Mr S., 79, said that 3H2 1H1 students, on the whole were pulling the school's standard and its position on the non-existent 'top 5 JCs ranking' down. 'This batch of students also do not adhere to the Doormanian Code of Conduct strictly, leading to a degradation of the general public's impression of the school. 本座只是在清理门户。'

"However, ex-discipline master, senior counsel for Partly-Retired-And-Cast-Aside Teachers' Welfare, Mr. K., commented that he was deeply disappointed in Mr S.'s teaching methods and accused him of inventing a pack of lies (一派胡言) just to better the school's great academic reputation. He also expressed sorrow that the school is no longer at lofty Heights and felt too ashamed to meet the forefathers of DHS after moving on to the underworld.

"It turned out that Mr. S. was not the popular headmaster he was made out to be. Throughout the murky years in DHS, there were many outspoken dissidents who were either expelled due to undisclosed reasons, or worse, disappeared off the face of the earth forever. (Rumour has it that the round field in the campus was a burial place --> see report below.) Ex-student G.K., currently working in the P.R.I.M.E. Mini-star's Office, who was fortunate enough to graduate in 2007 after his 'O' Lvels, said, 'I always thought he was a 小白脸.'

"V.C., friend of G.K. and ex-student, currently a janitor in the P.R.I.M.E. Mini-star's office, expressed disappointment. 'I thought he was a great educator. He was a good role model for us. Also, his door was always wide open so that we could approach him when we were in dire straits... Sadly, things turned out to be this way. His supporters must have felt the same disappointment as mine.' "

"Round field in campus a burial ground?"

"As one walks into the campus, the first thing that enters one's line of sight is a round field, affectionately termed <正新猿>. Zheng comes from the Chinese idiom, 上梁不正下梁歪, Xin simply means 'new', and Yuan is a sound-alike for 'garden' in Chinese, and also means 'monkey' - referring to our primate ancestors. Rumours are afloat that the field was actually a burial ground. But the real secret was that there was a way of opening up the burial ground.

" 'I think you are supposed to walk three rounds around chanting November Papa Charlie Charlie. At the end of your three rounds apparently someone will reply. Do not turn back,' a senior student revealed.

" 'Us campers have been warned not to approach the circle field at 3.30 a.m. It could be a bluff, but anyone caught will be punished severely, so no one actually tried to,' a student told this reporter during his annual camp.

"Could this be real? Could such a long-standing spot in the campus have a dark history? Insider sources confirmed rumours that outspoken dissidents against the reign of the dictator-like headmaster were done away discreetly and dumped in the circle field during full moon nights, on specially selected days that were supposedly auspicious burial days. Feng shui masters reportedly advised Mr. S. to have a Confucius statue erected there to circumscribe the yin qi in the field itself, so that the rest of the school remains safe from the troubled souls that lie there.

"School officials repudiated all accusations and condemned them as 'poor methods to sabotage the institution.' "

天有不测之风云

明天开学，我却在文具包里发现了不祥的预兆。。。请看以下一截截斩断的思绪、破碎的梦想断掉的铅笔芯。大难临头了？！

"Doorman Heights School Eliminating All 3H2 1H1 Subject Combinations By 2050"

And...A levels are 15 weeks away.

What the shit.

TQ

We got 2nd place! Amazing!

:0

:D

近日没有更新博客内容，今日来更一更，但也不知有何事向大家宣布？来看看《江湖笑》歌词吧。

江湖笑

恩怨了

人过招

笑藏刀

红尘笑

笑寂寥

心太高

到不了

明月照

路迢迢

人会老

心不老

爱不到

放不掉

忘不了

你的好

看似花非花物非物

滔滔江水留不住

一身豪情壮志铁傲骨

原来英雄是孤独

江湖笑

爱逍遥

琴或箫

酒来到

仰天笑

全忘了

潇洒如风轻飘飘

江湖笑

爱逍遥

琴或箫

酒来到

仰天笑

全忘了

潇洒如风轻飘飘

江湖笑

爱逍遥

爱或恨

都不要

仰天笑

全忘了

潇洒如风轻飘飘

Perturbed

Of late I have been feeling cranky and disordered (not that I don't often feel messed up, but anyway it is more intense now). After showing some symptoms of mental disorders I took it upon myself to do some research to check my nutcase status. The first search term was

"Paranoid"

But it further led to

"Schizophrenia"

"Paranoid personality disorder"

"Obessessive-compulsive disorder"

"Erotomania"

"Mental disorder"

etc.

Blah blah blah. But instead of spending too much time in my head fathoming about abominable psychological crises I decided to dedicate this post to a heartfelt friend, whose dad got into a tricky situation recently.

A sometimes-regular visitor to his settlement/establishment, I would run into Mr. Dad once in a while. He was the kind of dad who gave curt nods and had an icy demeanor, and everytime Mr. Dad made his ominous appearance I would hurriedly bid my goodbyes and make moxious escapes out of his unfathomable aura. Secretly I wondered if he might scold me for looking at his fish, watching his TV, and breathing his oxygen. But of course, I also made his son change from an obnoxious errant rogue to a goodish (but still obnoxious) young man, so maybe he mightn't.

Mr. Dad and Ex-rogue didn't exactly have an extremely rosy father-son relationship, and sometimes they argued over what seemed like major issues, until Mr. Dad was hospitalised.

And then he learnt he loved him, in this terrible fashion, and fortunately Mr. Dad was not too ill, and Ex-rogue was relieved.

Now why am I writing all this out..

Love your family.

An update of my boring life in Sillypore

Rarh have been immersed in thinkquest these few days, eyes staring at screen for a few hours at a stretch. I'm surprised my notebook can take it, operating more than 10 to 13 hours without rest each time, given that the engine heats up to over 70 deg at full throttle and stews around at 50 deg in power saver mode (provided it's not plugged in). My keys look extraordinarily worn out now, and so are my fingers, blistering due to ELCWK: Extremely Long Contact With Keyboard.

Okay they are not blistering, but my eyes are. And my head is. My peers are doing probability and chemistry revision and whatnot, as what Wing reminded me what I should be doing, and I am on the com for 5 eighths of my day. I'm not complaining! It's just that my head spins when I think of the work waiting. And months after I finished that work and did my 'A's, then after that? It pains me just to think that my maximum effort is only someone else's minimal. What are my chances in this competitive society?

D:

Rarh gotta go bathe my sweaty armpits. It's sweltering hot! ''._.'' (sweat droplets on both sides of my face)

If you can't keep your emotional, physical, financial and spiritual life together, don't expect any sort of long-term connection. D:

Ok so now I'm online to find an article for GP, to appease Miss Quek :D

失落与空虚

Just got back from PPCC, witnessed a quarrel between Coach and hunting-bowman. It was kind of scary, cuz the bowman looked like he was all for a fight. He was jabbing his fingers and shouting.
~

So we got back our PW results today. I guess my group was pretty disappointed, except they didn't show it. All my teammates had decent grades so a poor PW grade would probably mar their result slips. I was the academic retard, and I thought.. that it couldn't get any worse. It has been long since I had high hopes for something, wanting something to happen, and hoping it will. Because of my repeated setbacks I had become stoic and unmotivated. And I believe in the eyes of others I am just a failure who scrapes through trials and manages to stay in a studious environment.

But the worst part was that I wasn't even trying to change that impression of me. I have become so accustomed to failure, that another one wouldn't appear to hurt. Since people were forever better than me, it would be alright to be just average. And that was what I would be, if I tried hard. Trying hard to be an average Joe. Yep, that is me. It is naive to believe that life will be great for the hardworking janitor. Life can only be good for the hardworking CEO.

~

学之道：心里空虚。

CSC Farewell

Today was CSC's cute little farewell, sending us the beloved seniors away on a Journey to the 'A's. So there were pizzas and chocolatey biscuits, and hopefully some sense of nostalgia.

Perhaps in CSC at this level everyone knew each other and there weren't much 同生共死 activities to ride out, so we couldn't get into the mood of sobbing into a puddle of tears. But the impromptu reflection was varied and sinuous, with Elvis posing questions like an interviewer. Were we all born detached and impersonal, to be cultivated with kind surroundings to become a moral soul? Or did we come to this pragmatic world with an evil streak in us?

And dear Lyon was like in a quandary! Her kind soul was mesmerised by the symposium of altruism and good-heartedness in this pragmatic society, but there was Dance too! :S

But anw anw, our nice chairperson still managed to churn out literature for the members! Oh talking about nice, here's something about Lyonic Reasoning: Cookies are nice. Sam is nice. Therefore Sam is Cookies. In case you are wondering if Cookies refers to somebody, they are...really cookies.

Wing: "Lyon Lyon have you seen Sam?"
Lyon: "No I haven't but do you want some cookies?" (What's the link?? xD)
Wing: "..."
Lyon: "They're really nice!"

...
Oh so this is the literature I received:

This reminds me of an NP song: On The First Day Of NP
On the first day of NP, my CI gave to me
1) A mango and papaya tree
On the second day of NP, my CI gave to me
2) Two coconuts and a mango and papaya tree
3) Three jackfruits ...

So it was like:

On the last day of CSC my chairman gave to me
1) Some lingo and papers of three (3 pieces of paper)
On the last day of CSC my club gave to me
2) Two sweets and some lingo and papers of three
On the last dayof CSC my chairman said to me
3) In-efficient!...

Anw anw, thanks to Mr Tan SH, Miss Christine Tan for the past guidance, especially during periods of unrest and difficulty. Thanks to the year 5s for a cute little farewell, even when they may never see this. I hope they will take the time to read what we left behind. :) Thanks to CSC, for providing some insights into life as a whole (or hole?), and getting into touch with the sometimes little-cared for part of the community.